MEN: THE OVERGROWN CHILD
I am a man and I declare that men are complicated because they have problems expressing themselves and doing so explicitly. They suddenly feel exposed and vulnerable and have the silent apprehension that having exposed their weak side, they may become easy targets. If it is not done amongst male friends, it is unfathomable doing so intimately.
Clearly, relationships with them almost always stem from their relationships with their parents, particularly their mothers. Puberty is the most delicate period, with testosterone pumping full throttle. They become insubordinate and rebellious, sensitive and reactive, almost uncontrollable. That’s the most critical moment in their life when a parent has to balance discipline with diplomacy, and the most effective control is monetary.
In this article, I tend to generalize. But my observations are based on personal experiences. The sad part is that a partner goes for the present qualities of a man, totally oblivious to his past. Besides, if they learn anything, it is based on what is presented to them in intimate conversations, such as, “I remember when I was a child, and….” However, any adult partner knows that the goods are not in the wrapper alone, and if he/she is in love or wishes to develop this relationship he has to balance the covert aspect with the overt qualities, and they have to judge through their partner’s reactions to certain situations.
My suggestions below are for all partners. They require patience, tact, and diplomacy. Control and confrontation lead nowhere. They rather prompt and perpetuate a conflict and erode confidence.
1. IDENTIFY HIS FAULTS AND KEEP A TAB
My advice is open a page on your smartphone to highlight these reactions with the dates. They will come in handy at a later stage
2. TRACE THEIR CAUSES THROUGH OBSERVATION
Choose a moment when your partner is entirely comfortable and relaxed. Never attempt to approach your subject directly. But rather casually, making comparisons or asking brief questions. Frame them in your mind to obtain a Yes or a No answer. That makes him respond spontaneously and without suspicion that you are leading the conversation to a particular point.
3. TAKE A DECISION
Note your snippets down and analyze them. If these peculiarities date back very long, then your remedy will take longer. If he reacts negatively, then you have a problem of resistance and confidence. At this stage, only you can determine if you want to carry on with this relationship or if you wish to end it. Remember: some cases are unchangeable. If so, you hold the trump card and you can work your way out of it amicably and lovingly.
4. CREATE YOUR MANTRA AND REPEAT IT
Create 2 mantras. One for encouragement and one for accomplishments. They will energize you in moments of exasperation and other moments of success. Repeat them to yourself several times during the day.
5. EVALUATE PERIODICALLY
You must evaluate your performance periodically for his sake and particularly, for your own sake. If over a stretch of time, your efforts are enflaming your relationship, then either your approach is wrong and you have to re-evaluate it, or you are getting nowhere, and you will have to decide to opt-out or stick with it for better or for worse.
6. CAUTION!
If ever there is physical or verbal abuse, I would recommend that you put an end to the relationship. Such relationships, however, are perpetuated, and they never have a pleasant ending.
7. NEVER GIVE UP
If you have actually achieved some improvements or compromises, however small, over a period of 3 months. There is certainly a ray of hope and fulfillment at the end of your journey. But be realistic. Do not expect to change him 100%, nor “correct” all his peculiarities. On a scale of 5 to 10, you’ve really done a good job!
Wishing you all, all the best in an age where “normal” no longer exists. We simply have to accommodate each other. To do so, we require love to establish trust. From that point on, hope is the target and sacrifice is the key.
Sammy RNAJ — sammy.rnaj.writer@gmail.com
