RELATIONSHIP ADVICE
I don’t claim to be an expert, but in my 68 years, I have had my share of rough and tumble experiences through life, to acquire the wisdom I have today. These experiences have been sufficiently pronounced, to leave me a bachelor until this age. Throughout my trajectory, I have only had serious relationships and rejected any wayward adventures.
I depart from the principle that no one, absolutely no one, should interfere in a couple. If ever solicited for advice or to resolve a dispute, the golden rule is to never revert to the past except to acknowledge errors and improve upon them. That is the reason it is best to always provide sufficient advice ahead of a relationship, and later to keep quiet. Absolutely quiet.
Everyone is trigger-happy to conclude that the time is right, or love is budding, or there is a deep connection for a live-in relationship. Before carrying one’s heart and soul into it, take a step back, and give your mind the opportunity to have a word with you. Are there any signs you’ve pushed to the back of your mind, as your heart lunged forward?
It is beautiful to enter into a life partnership. Whether it leads to marriage or not, it remains an emotional and moral commitment and an implicit and complicit partnership. If it is conceived otherwise, drop it immediately. One cannot involve another person in a bond on physical grounds only. It’ll turn out to be a real fatal attraction. That is not for humans who own emotions and intellect. A spiritual union develops from those 2 noble souls automatically which influences one’s fate after a break-up — or break-down.
1. We are ever-changing individuals, unique and different. That is the first impediment to acknowledge and respect. For a durable union to take place, it requires a bird’s eye view exposure of one’s past. The details come in progressively as one builds confidence and security. This requires honesty and respect. If these are not identified from the onset, it is not worth continuing. This can only be achieved through open dialogue, with direct questions and transparent replies.
2. Everyone steps in with a previous trajectory. No one is to judge the other. Everyone changes with age over time. At times, life’s blows and surprises can be very severe to the point that we are ill-equipped or ill-prepared, and have to go through hell in order to come out of it. Crossing brimstone and fire certainly leaves its wounds and takes time to heal. It is best that they are identified from the beginning. When they are repetitive, these experiences are necessary to enable us to look at ourselves introspectively and correct our own errors or nasty traits. At least, to improve upon them and become more lucid than reactionary.
3. Everyone’s past, is as unique as they personally are. We cannot expect someone to sever their past while committing to a new chapter and a new future. It is unacceptable, each one has a history and footprints. This is when it is most pertinent to know and meet the actors belonging to that past, whether family or friends, and the relationship of your future partner to them, and how she/he feels about each individual involved. You have to keep your comments and judgments to yourself out of respect for your future partner. They belong to his/her life, and not yours. If you have particular dislikes with valid proof, hold your silence, until they are revealed to your partner and position yourself consequently.
4. Each one’s background affects who they have become today. Acknowledge that you are meeting your partner with all his/her faults and qualities now, neither yesterday nor tomorrow the way you expect them to be. You may or may not be able to change them, which is another fact. Whatever the case, with respect, patience, and understanding, you may succeed, but never 100%. If you do not succeed, are you prepared to accept them as they are today? Only you will decide.
5. Religion, nationality, heritage, culture, and traditions. Analyzing oneself first provides deeper insight into such a sensitive topic. If you are not religious, and your partner is, that means he/she has high moral values along with the adherence this entails. If they are Moslem, you shall be compelled to consider conversion according to their rituals, if you do not have your own individual belief. But it does not necessarily work the other way around. Your partner cannot be compelled to follow your Faith religiously. Heritage is generational and cannot be changed. It may entail certain family rituals. But beware if it involves spiritual rituals that are not mainstream.
6. Family and friends. There is an oriental saying that goes, “Anyone who abandons his family, freezes!” Family is as important to a person’s support system, as it is becoming trivial in other cultures. Is it important to you and your culture? If so, it must be explicitly discussed and the outline pronounced. It is reciprocal on both sides. Friends may be very close to both parties. However, a new chapter between 2 people automatically introduces new parameters or demarcations. Friends on both sides have to be revalued and assessed through a mutual understanding to determine how best they fit into this relationship and contribute to its evolvement. I have observed excellent relationships that started admiringly and eventually fell apart due to close friends with covert agendas.
7. Age difference. Usually and generally, age is never a criterion to determine a certain affinity with one’s other half. Yet, it is an important factor. To ensure bump-free progress in a relationship, if the difference is marginal, it is ideal. The bigger the difference, the more troublesome it is, introducing many insecurities which are best avoided from the onset. Who needs doubts, whether expressed openly leading to unnecessary arguments, or concealed, leading to brooding, sulking, or covert spitefulness?
8. Demonstrate your love through affection. Are you in love? Then, show it. Whichever you choose, but demonstrate it. A surprise kiss, a little note, a little gift, a cuddle, petting, an outing, a special home movie, an affectionate whisper, anything special. It’s the gesture that counts and makes that moment unforgettable. It demonstrates to your other half how much they mean to you.
I believe I have covered the major points… the essentials. Undoubtedly, there will be other points to consider which I can do in a future update.
Sammy RNAJ — sammy.rnaj.writer@gmail.com — WhatsApp +96170499352.
